Tag: TS

Don’t Push Me To My Gila

I really abhor it when people take advantage of me. This morning, my cousin Yuni (I think I mentioned her a few posts back), texted me asking me whether her meeting with my Dad, Ayah Alang and Mak Chu was still on at 11:00a.m.

Errr.. hel-lo. You have your uncles’ numbers, their respective wives’ numbers… why can’t you message or call them yourself and ask? Why do you have to ask ME? I am not a party to the meeting and the proceedings. I had already gone enough out of my way to fill the forms for them, printed the forms out and personally deliver the forms to each and every one of them. Tak cukup lagi ke?

It wasn’t MY responsibility… it’s hers. She needed a job done but she just left everything on her elderly uncles and aunt. I stepped in because I knew they would require help. Apa punya perangailah Kak Yuni ni… Dah 64 pung still cannot use her head wisely and think what behaviour would be appropriate when dealing with your elderly uncles and aunt. On top of that, treating me as if I was her personal assistant/secretary. Banyaaaaak cantik! 😡 Daripada orang ikhlas nak tolong, trusss jadi tak ikhlas. Berpada²lah… bila orang dah sanggup nak tolong tu, janganlah kau LENJAN macam aku ni khadam kau pulak!

So penyudahnya, I BLOCKED her everywhere ~ Waksep, phone and segala bagai messaging apps. Gudlak lah nak use me again! 😡

Wes has been out with his friends who are visiting KayHell from the soni dharti since this morning. He has to play tourist guide to them. I hope the inveterate narcissist in him is not spending tonnes of money he can ill afford just to impress these people. Tomorrow, what was supposed to be just an iftar with Ustadh Shafiq, has expanded to be a whole shebang with 8 people (including him). He had chosen to break fast at Bedouin, an Arab restaurant near our house here, that charges RM85++ per head.

*shakes my head*

This is a man who doesn’t even give RM50 to his sons, even symbolically, for allowance/spending money… but he can spend that much on strangers. I am not going to lie and say I don’t resent it. This is a man who takes all of us for granted. I feel bad for my boys.RM85++ per head times 8, comes up to RM 788.80. Memang susah nak ikhlas. He knows what kind of difficult situation I find myself in right now, my investments stuck on all fronts with absolutely NO INCOME coming in.

I am supporting the entire family on my savings now… and look what he does. The money that I set aside for his spending whilst he is back here, he is spending on all this. Doesn’t he feel that he should at least be economical and streeeeeetch it for as much as he can? His narcissism and wanting to “look good” in the eyes of others doesn’t allow for it, I am sad to report.

He paid for an expensive 5-star hotel for these friends when they arrived late last night. Then when I said, why should you spend so much… you can get a hotel just as good up the road for much cheaper. He got tetchy and upset. Told me that if he runs out of money he will just ask me for more (in a joking manner… but we ALL know many a true thing is said in jest, kan?) I am sorry to report those days are long gone.. I can’t be his safety net carte blanche anymore.

Sebab tu aku kata, banyak betulnya apa yang abang dia AH tu cakap pasal dia. Wes tells his sister that he will DIE first before dishonour. So asking your wife for money is an “honourable” act, is it?

Awkwardness

I owe these pages a story that I mentioned in the post the day before yesterday. Something “interesting” that happened.

Alex was coming home that day (Friday) from his campus and I was planning to make his favourite sliders (with my own homemade buns) and told Wes that I was going to go out to get some of the ingredients for them. He was looking at his usual YouTube vids and he looked up and said, “You’re a very good mother”. I was rather taken aback because I didn’t expect him to say something like that. (I should also mention that this is the same man who not so long ago said he never expected me to turn out to be a mother like I am when he married me, a terrible one who doesn’t know how to take care of her children… just because Sascha ordered a whole box of doughnuts and tried to hide it *shrug*)

I didn’t quite know how to respond because deep down I always doubt the nice things he says to me because there have been too many incidents when, almost in the next breath, I will be called names and so many aspersions will be cast upon me. So I am very wary when he praises me or says nice things about/to me. Rather sad, but there you are…. 😔

I just made some noises/a rather weak protestation that I am not one but I just TRY to be a good mother when he suddenly continued and said, “.. and a good wife too” and started to tear up! Wah… lagilah acik terkezut mawas! Siap amek tissue lap air mata nih.. He continued to say “we are all very lucky to have you in our lives and I always make du’aas that Allah keeps you healthy and safe”. I am embarrassed (?) to report that I was rather nonplussed and didn’t know what to say, so I just prattled on saying things I didn’t mean like “No, I am the lucky one”😬 yadda yadda yadda…

It was rather awkward. I actually went up to hug him when he was crying but all I felt was awkward, awkward, awkward…

pic courtesy of Truth & Authenticity

The thing is, with his narcissistic self, I never know whether he truly means it or he’s just love-bombing me to get his “supply”. (“Supply” for a narcissist is not necessarily monetary/material.. it could be adulation, support, validation… or whatever else that he needs to make himself feel good). It’s very sad that water under the bridge has brought me to this point. I would like to be able to take his praise and nice words at face value… but too many times, he has made me regret taking the nice things he says at face value because he turns 180 and calls me names, tells me to go die, tells me he never really loved me…

SO… do you blame me? 😢

Cautionary tale here, folks. Be wary of the words you say to your spouse. It may cause lasting damage… 😔

Epiphany

This family has gained a new supir, Alex passed his driving test yesterday (3rd time lucky!) I had already told him if he didn’t pass this time, I will not be paying for further tests nor extra classes 😅 Alhamdulillah, he passed. He had gotten “stuck” on the circuit (litar) part of the test, previously. The first time it was because he wasn’t used to the car used in the test and the clutch “sensitivity” was different and as a result of fumbling, he couldn’t hold his position when asked to stop on the hill part of the circuit.

When he was a toddler, Alex loved cars. Lightning McQueen was one of his faves. Tidur pun pegang Lightning McQueen in one chubby hand and the other hand will be clutching another toy car. I had to gently pry the toy cars out of his hands every night whilst he was fast asleep 😆

The second time, parallel parking was his undoing. He wasn’t exactly in the box ke apa. Whatever it is, Alhamdulillah that he has passed now. His brother Sascha passed the first time around because he took an automatic car licence test. Alex nak “flex” and tunjuk macho by taking a manual car licence test, so mendapatlah dengan clutch segala bagai 😅 It’s a good thing though that he can drive a stick. It could be a skill that can come in handy, who knows. Like that time when we were in Cape Town and the only automatic car left to rent was a Mercedes E-Class that would have cost me RM5,000 for 3 days. The alternative was a manual V*lkswagen Polo… so acik was forced to use her rusty stick-driving skillz 😆 Cuba kalo acik tak reti drive manual. Melopong lah… the family wedding convoy schtick at the time required everyone to have cars.

In other news, I want to record here for posterity that two days ago, Wes told me he realised something… perhaps a bit too late.. that he should have stuck with his ventures even when things went very badly. (Haaaa… finally!) He said, all his friends who stuck with things even when things went badly pear-shaped, managed to make something of themselves… managed to succeed.

Yalah, kau kan ada “safety net” aka yours truly. This is why you never had the staying power to stick with your business ventures to see them through. Susah skit, givap… rasa pressured sikit mulalah buat excuses nak cabut lari. Wes does have this tendency… to escape, to run away… when he cannot handle things. He even left us, his family… the children were so small still to kononnya try his luck overseas.

Did he ask me first whether I would be OK on my own with the kids..? NOT AT ALL. He never asked me whether it was OK for him to leave me on my own to care for our small children and myself… he just TOLD me he was not coming back home after he went to visit his dying father (whom I adored to pieces). Boleh? So apalah takat business² dia tu dia nak tinggalkan. Kita ni yang memang TANGGUNGJAWAB dan AMANAH yang Allah SWT letakkan kat dia pun dia boleh leave just like that. So…? *shrug*

Baguslah at this ripe old age nak masuk 6-series ni, he finally got the “epiphany” (which was terang lagi bersuluh Stadium Camp Nou for everyone else around him to see dah lama berjaman… but tak apalah…) I just mentioned the adage, “A rolling stone gathers no moss”. He heartily agreed, as though he heard it the first time. May Allah SWT Guide you to be someone who is stronger and more steadfast to anything you commit to, Wes. May Allah SWT turn you into a “stone that gathers moss”. Aameen!

Sebabi itu acik rasa, what AH said in his vitriolic missives to Wes tu… banyak yang hit the mark juga. And I feel that quite a few has made him change a little, for the better… which is ALHAMDULILLAH. Otherwise, siapa yang berani nak sebut pada Wes all these hard truths yang kena setepek kat batang idung aquiline dia? So ada hikmahnya juga apa yang abang dia AH ni buat.

May Allah SWT Guide AH to be a better sibling and human being. Aameen.

Splash!

Paid for Wes‘ ticket back to where he works today. Better that we buy early in case the price goes up further, with things going the way they are, it is a highly likely probability… not just a possibility.

Didn’t do anything much at all whilst he was golfing. I slept and then looked for recipes online. Transcribe the V*alrhona M*anjari 64% choc chip cookie recipe for me to make later… entah exactly bila lah ya.

Wes came back rather late. Apparently his flight mate drove his golf buggy into the soup. Aiyooo… *facepalm*. Cue 1 hour and a bit of fishing themselves out of the pond, waiting for assistance, drying themselves out and restarting the game. 😂 Good thing he didn’t share a buggy with the mabuk driver. (Wes did say that the gentleman in question did appear sozzled when he arrived 40 minutes late for their game!) LOLOL

Pulang

Wes arrived back in KayHell yesterday. His flight was delayed by 4 hours… and was further delayed another 2. 5 hours during which he had to stay in the plane sat on the tarmac. Apalah punya musibat.

Apparently there were SOOOO MANY people wanting to get out of the country that the queue at Immigration took 2 bleddy hours. Subhanallah…that would have been enough to put me in a right mood 😩

No wonder his flight did not appear on FlightR*dar24 at the time when I checked the app, thinking that his flight had already taken off… because they were still on the tarmac waiting for all the stragglers in the Immigration queue. I was silly enough not to check the ETA on #FlightR*dar24 and just hurried out of the house to KLIA, thinking I was late. When I arrived at KLIA, I checked the “Arrivals” board and saw that the flight was only going to land in another hour.

Laaaaaa…. 🫤😬

So off I went to have lunch at Four Fingers… after which I adjourned to Coffee Bean and had a Hazelnut Latte with a slice of carrot cake (that had more cream cheese frosting than cake but hey who’s complaining 🤣)

Wes only emerged from inside the baggage collection hall at around 6:20pm, he needed to do his solat (kenapalah kau tak solat atas pesawat aje *smh*) so we only left KLIA around 7:10pm. We reached home only at 8:25pm because of the post-work rush hour traffic on the way home.

I was k-n-a-c-k-e-r-e-d.

Auntie V also returned from umrah trip today, she arrived in KL in the wee hours of the morning. She thanked me for spending time with Dad whilst she was away. I told her it’s my duty and responsibility. Even though I am the “CONDEMNED” one 🤷🏻‍♀️ (Long story, I will write about it in another post, انشاءالله )

Shrink

Today I went to see Ginnie, my shrink. It has been a while since I last saw her, I almost forgot where her office was. I was already doing pretty OK at my last appointment with her but… with all the shite that happened in December 2022, I felt I needed to see her.

I have to say (and she agrees) the Lumree who first met her in 2021 is not the same Lumree now in 2023. That Lumree was very upset her husband was going to leave her and live separately from her overseas. The Lumree today actually prefers her husband to work overseas. (The children and the house help at least do not have to tread on eggshells and live in constant fear of triggering a violent/abusive tirade.)

The Lumree from 2 years ago didn’t want to be left alone, even though being together meant taking all his verbal abuse, his gaslighting and manipulation and having to pander to all the demands and whims of a supreme dyed-in-the-wool narcissist. The Lumree today just wants peace. If he mentions again about leaving whenever things don’t go his way, I told Ginnie today that I will tell him to walk the talk. I will tell him, don’t hang that sword of Damocles over my head each time he doesn’t get what he wants from me (usually money or favours for his Harambe friends *rolls eyes*)… I will make it easy for him. Let’s both walk in to that qadhi’s office at the Syari’ah court and he can lafaz what he needs to just to make what he has been mentioning repeatedly (ad nauseam!) actually happen 🤷🏻‍♀️

I told Ginnie just now, the way I see it… he is not happy with me. Why else would he keeeeep mentioning leaving me and ending things each time things don’t go his way? Is it merely a narcissist’s tool of manipulation ? Aku letih, tau tak? As I said, I just want peace. He says that too, as if I disturb his peace. Maybe lah, that’s how he views me, his wife.. as someone who disturbs his peace 😔

Apa² lah laboo… when you blocked me on Whatsapp and I emailed you to say, if you don’t want me anymore… then let’s part in goodness, as Commanded by Allah SWT in the Holy Qur’an. Immediately you unblocked me and started carrying on as if you never blocked me and nothing ever happened pulaaaaak. Apakepoonders, I ask you ⁉️

Just like when you told me to COMMIT SUICIDE. When I mentioned it to you the next day, you said “When did I say that to you?” Apakejoobs lah yaaa❗️ 😡 I told Ginnie, what a thing to say to someone you KNOW suffers from bipolar disorder (BPD), someone with a mental health challenge. Wot a bleddy insensitive thing to do, purposely calculated to HURT me the MOST. Bleddy small dick energy (SDE), padahal kau kena bayar pole tax, kot 🤐

In other news, there are developments to the “war” brewing between Wes and his brother AH (stands for asshole actually but let’s give him a name… Andreas Horatio Coen, AH Coen 😆) I have to say assholery seems to run in the family, in different degrees… of course. I am glad to report that my Wes Alasdair is not the champion in the assholery stakes, his elder brother Andreas Horatio (the ultimate AH!) wins it hands down.

Wes called me today to warn me to NOT accept any calls from AH nor be in contact with his wife, Sheila, anymore. Such a pity because I really like Sheila and we get along very well. Apparently AH is hellbent on breaking Wes’ and my marriage up. AH is even planning to call my Dad to tell him that Wes has been living off my money all this while. Errmm.. sudah terang lagi bersuluh lampu stadium Barnabéu kot, that ain’t news to my Dad. Wot does AH expect Dad will do? Even if Dad gets angry over this piece of so-called “news”… am I bleddy 15 that my Dad can TELL me to break up with my “boyfriend”?

Whatever it is, like it or not, Wes is my husband. Where this marriage is going is nobody’s domain except for Wes’ and mine. Period. Aku ingat aku yang gila (aku kan jenis gila yang kena makan ubat, nyaah 😅), rupanya abang ipar aku AH ni lagi GILER 🙄

The Constant Jang

As opposed to that newspaper named “The Daily Jang”.

“Jang” means ‘war’ in Urdu.

The on-again off-again fight/quarrel between Wes and his brother AH is on again. It all started from AH calling Wes and Wes not deigning to talk and brushing him off by saying “I’m playing golf and I will call you later”. Of course, as is Wes’ wont, he didn’t call back.

AH being AH, with an overweening ego the size of the free world, expects Wes to pander to him as an older brother. Wes doesn’t even take MY (his wife’s!) call! Dia boleh BLOCK aku kat Whatsapp lagi. Bolehhhhh ⁉️⁉️

So the war of words started with one accusing the other of all sorts of things. However, a lot of what AH said to Wes is true though. No one dared to bring it up, but AH did. In some ways, I am glad he did… coz someone needs to wake Wes up and make him smell the kahwa, maaaan…

I quote, verbatim, what AH said to Wes:

You need peace in your life, it’s like a tennis ball at the moment. Full of frustration and multiple gambles so-called failed businesses left you a confused man like a headless chicken. You’ve blown more money than you’ve ever earned and we all know where it came from. God gave you a wife and children, put your hand on your heart and ask yourself if you’ve justified that role and Allah is your witness. (Ada betulnya apa AH ni cakap actually – Ed.) I will tell you but many in the family won’t, your arrogance and big-headedness has brought you exactly where you stand today, NOWHERE. May Allah help all of us, Aameen.

AH, Wes’ elder brother

Slutty Harlot

I totally regret attending Nick‘s wedding to Tabz last December because I had to go through such heartache and humiliation that Wes inflicted upon me. I have always known he has a mean streak… and he let loose with that streak during the 2 weeks I was there for Nick‘s wedding.

If you don’t want me to make silly sarcastic comments about that woman who messaged you and said you must be “naraaz” with her just because you didn’t reply two (2!) of her messages… then you should have handled it better when I asked you why she feels she deserves a reply from you. You even BLOCKED me, your wife, from your Whatsapp once… and this woman can nicely ask you if you are upset with her just because you didn’t reply TWO of her messages. Ohkaaay.

Instead of jumping down my throat and GASLIGHTING me, perhaps if you had been lovingly reassuring and understood my uncomfortability with the whole situation, I wouldn’t feel the way I do now whenever I see her near you or around you (she flew in there for her new granddaughter’s aqiqah). My discomfort that this woman triggers is made worse by the knowledge that you used to think she was NOT quite “kosher”, leaving her husband and children behind and going to work in DBX on her own. You even cast aspersions on her moral character, then.

Sana Coen, (not her pic obviously, but she IS a needy, tired old cvnt) who saw fit to LEAVE her husband and small children to kononnya build a life and a career of her own in DBX

Suddenly now, when I went to Isloo for the wedding recently and found out she was chummy with you to the point she actually EXPECTS you to reply her WhatsApp messages, things had turned 180. You suddenly were so sympathetic to her situation and saying terrible things about her husband. Ehhh wot?! So all those things you say about how terrible the husband is must be from what SHE told you, right?

Apakepoonders perlu you, a MARRIED MAN, have such intimate and private conversations with a woman about her husband? If I had those kinds of conversations with a man about his wife, would you like it? Tapi kau memang selalu macam tulah kan, double standards all the time. What’s good for the goose is not good for the gander. Kau boleh buat tapi orang lain tak boleh.

Then, when I later told you to keep contact with her to a minimum, you just ignored me. I told you that those who suffer from a lack of love and affection will latch on to anyone who shows kindness to them. I told you that whilst you may not feel anything by talking to her or helping her there, she might take whatever kindness and attention you show her and run with it. Still you did not respond nor acknowledge what I said.

SO… WHAT DO YOU FRAKKIN’ EXPECT ME TO FEEL? That you don’t agree with all that I said and that pergi MAMPOSlah kau Lumree, ada aku keysah apa kau rasa… Imma just keep on doing whatever it is that I want to do…. my wife’s feelings be damned.

Aah.. and don’t forget, two days before that, on 10th December 2022, you already told me to “go COMMIT SUICIDE, TOMORROW you better go COMMIT SUICIDE!” Just because I cried at the wedding due to your hurtful treatment of me. You just want to show the world what a “wonderful” person you are, but in reality….people don’t know the mean and harsh verbal abuse I have to take constantly.

You always do your best in saying the things that would hurt me the most. Ustadh Shafiq also told me this, when people (you!) are angry they will choose to say things that will hurt the other party the most. You have a PhD in this.

You know my brother took his own life, and there you were, telling me to take my own. If I didn’t have the relationship that I have with Allah SWT now, I would have probably done it. You don’t know how MUCH you hurt me that day, Wes Alasdair Coen. I had to bite on my knuckles to stop all of you from hearing my wails of anguish from inside the bathroom where I bawled my heart out….

How you broke my heart 💔… and my spirit that day. 😔

How can I ever believe you again when you say you “love me”? Never again… all that has been said and done, especially during the whole wedding trip last December… has eroded what little that is left of my love and affection for you. You killed everything, bit by bit over the years. With every insult, every punch and slap that left black eyes and bruises in the distant past. I am thankful you haven’t laid a finger on me to physically harm me since our remarriage but… in terms of your behaviour, your narcissism… nothing has changed . The saying a leopard can’t change its spots is so TRUE. I am only pretending now… pretending everything is OK. I am only here because of Joe and you know it.

I beg and pray to Allah to remove ALL power and ability from you to hurt me, the children and the staff in this house, without causing detriment and harm to yourself. (Kalau kau tiba² terlantar stroke, aku jugak yang susah karang! 🙄 And to tell you the truth, after all the abuse I have had to bear over the years, there isn’t much ikhlas for me to take care of you as an invalid.🤷🏻‍♀️)

Pergilah mintak betina garit tua tu tampung segala perbelanjaan kau. Suruhlah dia jaga kau macam aku jaga kau dah masuk 32 tahun ni, jadi bank dan ATM kau. Tengoklah dia tahan ke tidak with your tyranny, your way or the highway. Dah ada CUCU pun masih nak menggelenyar dan menggedik. Cvnt. 😡

Dan kau, kau tahan ke betina yang flirt dengan segala jantan yang ada? Pergilah. Kau nak jaga perasaan dia daripada perasaan AKU, bini kau yang dah berkorban macam² untuk kau.

#kitatengoksiapayangkena

#MayAllahSWTGrantYouWhatYouTrulyDeserve

Sunday Bloody Sunday

Had Sunday lunch with Dad, Zane* and Gia* as usual today. Auntie V* is still away at umrah and will only be back on Thursday, 9th March 2023. Wes* will be back on the same day as well but in the afternoon.

Ugggh… I am filled with trepidation at the thought of Wes returning home, frustrated to the eyeballs, heavy with the weight of failed ventures. I just hope he doesn’t take it out on me, the children and the house employees… as is his wont. Sometimes I feel I need a chemical crutch to deal with the anxiety and trepidation that burgeons with each passing day. He is of course excited to come home but we (the kids and I) are not exactly brimming with anticipation and certainly NOT doing cartwheels!

Life is so much more peaceful when he is not around, we don’t have to tread on eggshells in fear of triggering one of his harsh/aggressive abusive episodes. It may be just verbal abuse these days but it is still terribly hurtful and traumatising. الله المستعان May Allah SWT Help us all in this house, may Allah SWT make Wes an easygoing husband and father when he comes home.

I have come to a point where I feel I am too old to keep being bullied and manipulated… resented for something I do to HELP. How unfair it is for me, to be resented for doing something to help. He wants the ‘financial assistance’ but resents me for forking out (siapa lagi nak bagi?!) because it makes him feel ‘small’. Aaaaaand we ALLLLLL know how terrible he becomes when he is made to feel humiliated / shamed / embarrassed. He will lash out at all of us like a wounded lion and doesn’t care how much he hurts us in the process.

😣😔😢 الله المستعان

The way I see it, he should practise muhasabah on himself first to pinpoint exactly what he is doing wrong… what is it that he can improve, so that Allah SWT will open ALL paths of rizq to him and remove all blocks and obstacles that stand in the way. Ini tidak, he busies himself on judging everyone right, left and centre (Terpaling Su’udzon™️ macam cheebs!) and NEVER has the self-awareness to see what is wrong with himself. This is also another problem of being a classic narcissist. He is NEVER wrong. *deep sigh*

* Please refer to the ‘Cast & Crew‘ page, on the top right of this blog – a glossary of all the people who are mentioned in this blog

Today is the 8th anniversary of Allahyarham Brix’s return to Rahmatullah, when he CHOSE to return to Rahmatullah by his own hand. I was at Dad’s but I didn’t mention it, not wanting to remind anyone about it.

It’s been 8 years and although we have learned to move on from the crippling grief of the early years, the pain will always be raw for me… whenever I remember 5th March 2015. It will remain my biggest pain until the day I myself return to Rahmatullah.

I miss you so much, Brix… the Robin to my Batgirl. May we meet again in a place more beautiful than this dunya. Aameen.