Had Sunday lunch with Dad, Zane* and Gia* as usual today. Auntie V* is still away at umrah and will only be back on Thursday, 9th March 2023. Wes* will be back on the same day as well but in the afternoon.
Ugggh… I am filled with trepidation at the thought of Wes returning home, frustrated to the eyeballs, heavy with the weight of failed ventures. I just hope he doesn’t take it out on me, the children and the house employees… as is his wont. Sometimes I feel I need a chemical crutch to deal with the anxiety and trepidation that burgeons with each passing day. He is of course excited to come home but we (the kids and I) are not exactly brimming with anticipation and certainly NOT doing cartwheels!
Life is so much more peaceful when he is not around, we don’t have to tread on eggshells in fear of triggering one of his harsh/aggressive abusive episodes. It may be just verbal abuse these days but it is still terribly hurtful and traumatising. الله المستعان May Allah SWT Help us all in this house, may Allah SWT make Wes an easygoing husband and father when he comes home.
I have come to a point where I feel I am too old to keep being bullied and manipulated… resented for something I do to HELP. How unfair it is for me, to be resented for doing something to help. He wants the ‘financial assistance’ but resents me for forking out (siapa lagi nak bagi?!) because it makes him feel ‘small’. Aaaaaand we ALLLLLL know how terrible he becomes when he is made to feel humiliated / shamed / embarrassed. He will lash out at all of us like a wounded lion and doesn’t care how much he hurts us in the process.
😣😔😢 الله المستعان
The way I see it, he should practise muhasabah on himself first to pinpoint exactly what he is doing wrong… what is it that he can improve, so that Allah SWT will open ALL paths of rizq to him and remove all blocks and obstacles that stand in the way. Ini tidak, he busies himself on judging everyone right, left and centre (Terpaling Su’udzon™️ macam cheebs!) and NEVER has the self-awareness to see what is wrong with himself. This is also another problem of being a classic narcissist. He is NEVER wrong. *deep sigh*
* Please refer to the ‘Cast & Crew‘ page, on the top right of this blog – a glossary of all the people who are mentioned in this blog
Today is the 8th anniversary of Allahyarham Brix’s return to Rahmatullah, when he CHOSE to return to Rahmatullah by his own hand. I was at Dad’s but I didn’t mention it, not wanting to remind anyone about it.
It’s been 8 years and although we have learned to move on from the crippling grief of the early years, the pain will always be raw for me… whenever I remember 5th March 2015. It will remain my biggest pain until the day I myself return to Rahmatullah.
I miss you so much, Brix… the Robin to my Batgirl. May we meet again in a place more beautiful than this dunya. Aameen.