Slutty Harlot

I totally regret attending Nick‘s wedding to Tabz last December because I had to go through such heartache and humiliation that Wes inflicted upon me. I have always known he has a mean streak… and he let loose with that streak during the 2 weeks I was there for Nick‘s wedding.

If you don’t want me to make silly sarcastic comments about that woman who messaged you and said you must be “naraaz” with her just because you didn’t reply two (2!) of her messages… then you should have handled it better when I asked you why she feels she deserves a reply from you. You even BLOCKED me, your wife, from your Whatsapp once… and this woman can nicely ask you if you are upset with her just because you didn’t reply TWO of her messages. Ohkaaay.

Instead of jumping down my throat and GASLIGHTING me, perhaps if you had been lovingly reassuring and understood my uncomfortability with the whole situation, I wouldn’t feel the way I do now whenever I see her near you or around you (she flew in there for her new granddaughter’s aqiqah). My discomfort that this woman triggers is made worse by the knowledge that you used to think she was NOT quite “kosher”, leaving her husband and children behind and going to work in DBX on her own. You even cast aspersions on her moral character, then.

Sana Coen, (not her pic obviously, but she IS a needy, tired old cvnt) who saw fit to LEAVE her husband and small children to kononnya build a life and a career of her own in DBX

Suddenly now, when I went to Isloo for the wedding recently and found out she was chummy with you to the point she actually EXPECTS you to reply her WhatsApp messages, things had turned 180. You suddenly were so sympathetic to her situation and saying terrible things about her husband. Ehhh wot?! So all those things you say about how terrible the husband is must be from what SHE told you, right?

Apakepoonders perlu you, a MARRIED MAN, have such intimate and private conversations with a woman about her husband? If I had those kinds of conversations with a man about his wife, would you like it? Tapi kau memang selalu macam tulah kan, double standards all the time. What’s good for the goose is not good for the gander. Kau boleh buat tapi orang lain tak boleh.

Then, when I later told you to keep contact with her to a minimum, you just ignored me. I told you that those who suffer from a lack of love and affection will latch on to anyone who shows kindness to them. I told you that whilst you may not feel anything by talking to her or helping her there, she might take whatever kindness and attention you show her and run with it. Still you did not respond nor acknowledge what I said.

SO… WHAT DO YOU FRAKKIN’ EXPECT ME TO FEEL? That you don’t agree with all that I said and that pergi MAMPOSlah kau Lumree, ada aku keysah apa kau rasa… Imma just keep on doing whatever it is that I want to do…. my wife’s feelings be damned.

Aah.. and don’t forget, two days before that, on 10th December 2022, you already told me to “go COMMIT SUICIDE, TOMORROW you better go COMMIT SUICIDE!” Just because I cried at the wedding due to your hurtful treatment of me. You just want to show the world what a “wonderful” person you are, but in reality….people don’t know the mean and harsh verbal abuse I have to take constantly.

You always do your best in saying the things that would hurt me the most. Ustadh Shafiq also told me this, when people (you!) are angry they will choose to say things that will hurt the other party the most. You have a PhD in this.

You know my brother took his own life, and there you were, telling me to take my own. If I didn’t have the relationship that I have with Allah SWT now, I would have probably done it. You don’t know how MUCH you hurt me that day, Wes Alasdair Coen. I had to bite on my knuckles to stop all of you from hearing my wails of anguish from inside the bathroom where I bawled my heart out….

How you broke my heart 💔… and my spirit that day. 😔

How can I ever believe you again when you say you “love me”? Never again… all that has been said and done, especially during the whole wedding trip last December… has eroded what little that is left of my love and affection for you. You killed everything, bit by bit over the years. With every insult, every punch and slap that left black eyes and bruises in the distant past. I am thankful you haven’t laid a finger on me to physically harm me since our remarriage but… in terms of your behaviour, your narcissism… nothing has changed . The saying a leopard can’t change its spots is so TRUE. I am only pretending now… pretending everything is OK. I am only here because of Joe and you know it.

I beg and pray to Allah to remove ALL power and ability from you to hurt me, the children and the staff in this house, without causing detriment and harm to yourself. (Kalau kau tiba² terlantar stroke, aku jugak yang susah karang! 🙄 And to tell you the truth, after all the abuse I have had to bear over the years, there isn’t much ikhlas for me to take care of you as an invalid.🤷🏻‍♀️)

Pergilah mintak betina garit tua tu tampung segala perbelanjaan kau. Suruhlah dia jaga kau macam aku jaga kau dah masuk 32 tahun ni, jadi bank dan ATM kau. Tengoklah dia tahan ke tidak with your tyranny, your way or the highway. Dah ada CUCU pun masih nak menggelenyar dan menggedik. Cvnt. 😡

Dan kau, kau tahan ke betina yang flirt dengan segala jantan yang ada? Pergilah. Kau nak jaga perasaan dia daripada perasaan AKU, bini kau yang dah berkorban macam² untuk kau.

#kitatengoksiapayangkena

#MayAllahSWTGrantYouWhatYouTrulyDeserve

Sunday Bloody Sunday

Had Sunday lunch with Dad, Zane* and Gia* as usual today. Auntie V* is still away at umrah and will only be back on Thursday, 9th March 2023. Wes* will be back on the same day as well but in the afternoon.

Ugggh… I am filled with trepidation at the thought of Wes returning home, frustrated to the eyeballs, heavy with the weight of failed ventures. I just hope he doesn’t take it out on me, the children and the house employees… as is his wont. Sometimes I feel I need a chemical crutch to deal with the anxiety and trepidation that burgeons with each passing day. He is of course excited to come home but we (the kids and I) are not exactly brimming with anticipation and certainly NOT doing cartwheels!

Life is so much more peaceful when he is not around, we don’t have to tread on eggshells in fear of triggering one of his harsh/aggressive abusive episodes. It may be just verbal abuse these days but it is still terribly hurtful and traumatising. الله المستعان May Allah SWT Help us all in this house, may Allah SWT make Wes an easygoing husband and father when he comes home.

I have come to a point where I feel I am too old to keep being bullied and manipulated… resented for something I do to HELP. How unfair it is for me, to be resented for doing something to help. He wants the ‘financial assistance’ but resents me for forking out (siapa lagi nak bagi?!) because it makes him feel ‘small’. Aaaaaand we ALLLLLL know how terrible he becomes when he is made to feel humiliated / shamed / embarrassed. He will lash out at all of us like a wounded lion and doesn’t care how much he hurts us in the process.

😣😔😢 الله المستعان

The way I see it, he should practise muhasabah on himself first to pinpoint exactly what he is doing wrong… what is it that he can improve, so that Allah SWT will open ALL paths of rizq to him and remove all blocks and obstacles that stand in the way. Ini tidak, he busies himself on judging everyone right, left and centre (Terpaling Su’udzon™️ macam cheebs!) and NEVER has the self-awareness to see what is wrong with himself. This is also another problem of being a classic narcissist. He is NEVER wrong. *deep sigh*

* Please refer to the ‘Cast & Crew‘ page, on the top right of this blog – a glossary of all the people who are mentioned in this blog


Today is the 8th anniversary of Allahyarham Brix’s return to Rahmatullah, when he CHOSE to return to Rahmatullah by his own hand. I was at Dad’s but I didn’t mention it, not wanting to remind anyone about it.

It’s been 8 years and although we have learned to move on from the crippling grief of the early years, the pain will always be raw for me… whenever I remember 5th March 2015. It will remain my biggest pain until the day I myself return to Rahmatullah.

I miss you so much, Brix… the Robin to my Batgirl. May we meet again in a place more beautiful than this dunya. Aameen.

Givap

Sometimes I feel like giving up.

Being a parent to these boys who pay scant regard to what I say, purposely flout my rules… tires me immensely.

Today is one of those days when I particularly feel the…. fatigue. 😔

I truly know now why some animals eat their young.

If there is only one survivor of a litter, the mother lion will eat it so she can start fresh with a new litter. ©iStock.com/MaggyMeyer

Purify

The stepmum is going to perform umrah tomorrow. I was supposed to go with her and her group of mengaji friends but someone said, “Wait for me to come home, I’d like to go with you..” Hmmm yalah… always putting a spanner in the works. Waiting for him would mean I would need to fork out the cost of an entire umrah package for another person. And the way I travel for umrah, it would mean more than a pretty penny.

I am too damn old to rough things out. Everything aches, I need comfort… may the Lord Forgive me and my “excessive” needs. May the Lord provide sustenance and rizq to me to be able to afford all of my needs ~ from the smallest to the biggest, from the simplest to the most luxurious. Aameen.

I wanted to go see her and say goodbye after Maghrib just now but she said she was going to go out for an early birthday dinner for my youngest brother (which is the day after tomorrow). I will see her tomorrow morning subuh sepi’ee, انشاءالله , because I had already made the intention, the niyyah, to pass some money that I would like for her to give to the cleaners/workers in the Masjidil Haram and Masjid Nabawi on my behalf. It’s not the largest sum but it was something that my heart told me to do. Benda baik jangan kita biarkan, dak? We act on it… and may Allah SWT accept. Amen!